funnies

Dear Abby; What can I do about all the sex, nudity, bad language and violence on my VCR?

As Good As What?

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics, Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

FUNNIES why dogs are better than kids how many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb? map of dobe's brain headlines dear editor dog haiku facts of life dog rules grammar is going to the dogs jokes dog days daffinitions why dogs are better than women as good as what?	funnies
	'I took an IQ test and the results were negative.' ...... 'I love cats....they taste just like chicken.' 'The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.'
'I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.'		What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick
	Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash. He's all right now.
What is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? A pool table

DOGS' PERSONALITIES ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Afghan: Light bulb? What light bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a burned out light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Daschund: I can't reach the stupid lamp! Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it. Rotweiller: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeasze let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Beagle : Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb? Siberian Husky: Light bulb?!? I ate the light bulb... and the lamp... and the coffee table it sat on, and the carpet under the coffee table and... Cat: You need light to see? top




I'm not just another pretty face. Like all Dobes, I'm sensitive and intelligent. When I fetch the paper I always take time to read the headlines:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Farmer Bill Dies in House Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Stud Tires Out Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charges Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training Include your Children when Baking Cookies top

Dear Editor: I must point out a glaring error made in last Tuesday's obituary page. I am not, in fact, dead, as you reported. Nor is my name even Clarence Fenbrook, as you stated, it is Roger Wembly, and I am a spritely 52 years of age rather than the figure of 74 you printed. I am also neither a Shriner nor an enthusiast of Naval History as your piece reported. In fact, absolutely nothing at all in your article was correct! I believe you have a responsibility to the community to get your facts straight, and I hope you will do so in the future. Undeceasingly yours, Roger Wembly (thanks to Alan Meiss) top




Dog Haiku I love my master; Thus I perfume myself with This long-rotten squirrel. I lie belly-up In the sunshine, happier than You ever will be Today I sniffed Many dog butts-I celebrate By kissing your face. I sound the alarm! Paperboy-come to kill us all- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Meter reader-come to kill all- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Garbage man-come to kill us all- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all! Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I lift my leg and Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot - Sniff this and weep How do I love thee? The ways are numberless as My hairs on the rug. My human is home! I am so ecstatic I have Made a puddle I hate my choke chain - Look, world, they strangle me! Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack! Sleeping here, my chin On your foot - no greater bliss - well, Maybe catching cats Look in my eyes and Deny it. No human could Love you as much I do The cat is not all Bad-she fills the litter box With Tootsie Rolls Dig under fence-why? Because it's there. Because it's There. Because it's there. I am your best friend, Now, always, and especially When you are eating. You may call them fleas, But they are far more -I call Them a vocation My owners' mood is Romantic-I lie near their Feet. I fart a big one. top




THE FACTS OF LIFE: The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. Support bacteria--they're the only culture some people have. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. top
DOG RULES 1. The dog is NOT allowed in the house. 2. OK, the dog IS allowed in the house, but ONLY in certain rooms. 3. The dog is allowed in ALL rooms, but must stay off the furniture. 4. The dog can get on the OLD furniture ONLY. 5. FINE, the dog is allowed on ALL the furniture, but he is NOT allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed. 6. The dog CAN sleep on the bed, but NOT under the covers. 7. The dog CAN sleep under the covers by invitation ONLY. 8. The dog CAN sleep under the covers EVERY NIGHT. 9. Humans MUST ASK permission to sleep under the COVERS with the dog! top

	WIFE: The two things I cook best are meat loaf and apple pie. HUSBAND: Which is this?