FUNNIES
why dogs are better than kids
how many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?
map of dobe's brain
headlines
dear editor
dog haiku
facts of life
dog rules
grammar is going to the dogs
jokes
dog days
daffinitions
why dogs are better than women
as good as what?

funnies

'I took an IQ test and the results were negative.'

...... 'I love cats....they taste
just like chicken.'

'The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.'

'I used to have an open mind,
but my brains kept falling out.'

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a
car crash.
He's all right now.

What is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?
A pool table

 

 

Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids


10. Dogs don't like Barney.
9. Never borrows the car and wrecks it.
8. Doesn't notice if your clothes are dorky and your hairstyle
is from the 50's
7. Won't grow up to blame you for sending them into years of therapy
6. Won't tie up the phone for hours
5. Cute little puppies grow up to be dogs. Cute little babies
grow up to be teenagers.
4. You can give them dippy names.
3. They never criticize your cooking.
2. Nothing you do can gross them out.
1. You can bury a dog in the backyard, no questions asked.

 

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DOGS' PERSONALITIES

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Afghan: Light bulb? What light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a burned out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Daschund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it.

Rotweiller: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeasze let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Beagle : Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?

Siberian Husky: Light bulb?!? I ate the light bulb... and the lamp... and the coffee table it sat on, and the carpet under the coffee table and...

Cat: You need light to see?

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I'm not just
another pretty face.
Like all Dobes,
I'm sensitive and intelligent.
When I fetch the paper
I always
take time to read
the headlines:
augie (5231 bytes)

 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Farmer Bill Dies in House  
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charges
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include your Children when Baking Cookies

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Dear Editor:

I must point out a glaring error made in last Tuesday's obituary page. I am not, in fact, dead, as you reported. Nor is my name even Clarence Fenbrook, as you stated, it is Roger Wembly, and I am a spritely 52 years of age rather than the figure of 74 you printed. I am also neither a Shriner nor an enthusiast of Naval History as your piece reported. In fact, absolutely nothing at all in your article was correct! I believe you have a responsibility to the community to get your facts straight, and I hope you will do so in the future.

Undeceasingly yours,
Roger Wembly

(thanks to Alan Meiss)

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Dog Haiku

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Meter reader-come to kill all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do

The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,
But they are far more -I call
Them a vocation

My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.

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THE FACTS OF LIFE:

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with..

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

Support bacteria--they're the only culture some people have.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

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DOG RULES

1. The dog is NOT allowed in the house.

2. OK, the dog IS allowed in the house, but ONLY in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in ALL rooms, but must stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the OLD furniture ONLY.

5. FINE, the dog is allowed on ALL the furniture, but he is NOT allowed to sleep with the humans
on the bed.

6. The dog CAN sleep on the bed, but NOT under the covers.

7. The dog CAN sleep under the covers by invitation ONLY.

8. The dog CAN sleep under the covers EVERY NIGHT.

9. Humans MUST ASK permission to sleep under the COVERS with the dog!



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GRAMMAR IS GOING TO THE DOGS

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat. )
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be avoided.
20. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
21. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
22. Who needs rhetorical questions?.

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joke

WIFE: The two things I cook best are meat loaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?

DOG DAYS


"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
----- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
----- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."
----- Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
----- Dave Barry

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."
----- Penny Ward Moser

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
----- Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
----- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
----- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
----- Sue Murphy

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
----- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
----- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
----- James Thurber

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
----- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
----- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
----- Unknown

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
----- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
----- Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
----- Unknown

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
----- Unknown

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
----- John Steinbeck

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DAFFINITIONS:

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Dogs don't shop.
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs understand that instinct is better than asking for directions.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet,
desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never lobby for foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

Both usually look stupid in hats.
Both tend to have problems with their hips.
Both look good in fur.
Neither realizes that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
They both overvalue kissing.

HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

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Dear Abby; What can I do about all the sex, nudity, bad language and violence on my VCR?

 

As Good As What?

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics, Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

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