No, No, No!

Ok, I know this is AWFULLY long, but what can I say... I did all this stuff.
I thought my name was "QUIT IT!" for a long time.
Thanks to a patient owner and a LOT of training,
I have stopped doing at least HALF of this stuff.

I won't eat any more socks, rocks, underwear, pens, pencils and magic markers, disposable razors, toothbrushes, books, pillows (especially those down ones that make the whole room white), toothpaste tubes, all the plastic wrappers from food, and everything I find on the floor.

I will not lift my leg to the new sofa, the cat, the plants in mom's garden, the obedience judge, the new, really cute guy next door.

I will not bark at the cat walking across the yard at night, the snowman, other dogs four blocks away, my bone when itˆs stuck under the sofa, my ball when it's under the bed, the mailman , the paper boy, absolutely nothing, especially at two o'clock in the morning

I will not dig the pop-up sprinkler heads, the floor by the back door, a hole in the sofa looking for my bone, or under the neighbor's fence to visit that cute dobergirl next door.

I will not eat the soap.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will not eat my human's plants.

I will not drink the water (and fish) from the aquarium.

I will quit drinking out of the toilet, especially if it hasn't been flushed.

I will not climb up on the dining table when no one's looking and eat out of the serving bowls.

The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.

Dogs do not like jalapeno peppers. I am a dog.

I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to poop.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will wipe my butt on the grass, not on the carpet. They're both green, but I know the difference.

I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.

I will not eat other animals' poop. I will not eat my own vomit.

I will not lick mom's face after cleaning my private parts.

I will not drop gooey slimy rawhide chews into mom's lap.

I will not lick up garbage drippings in the street.

I will not eat dead worms or crickets from the driveway. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

I won't reset the computer or rest my head on the keyboard while mom is typing.

I will not try to smell my human's visitors' private parts.

I won't play tug with the other dogs under the dining room table.

I will not dig more than one new 'cool earth wallow' per day.

I will not crowd my human in bed.

I don't have to go out to the backyard *this instant*..

I will quit hogging all the pillows.

I won't jump up on mom's brand-new car.

I will only do my "someone's out there" bark when there really is someone at the door.

When the humans leave without me, attacking the front window is not the way to get them to notice I'm upset.

I will not howl or sit on her lap when mom is practicing the recorder.

I will not knock down and lick the face of the meter reader.

I will not growl at my human's mother-in-law.

I will not growl at the strange guy in Mom's bed. (Oh, it's Dad.)

My human's toes should not be in the socks I choose to chew on.

I will not drop my human's pager in the toilet, even if he told me to 'drop it.ˆ

The mailman is NOT a chew toy.

I will not crawl under the sheets when mom is making the bed.

I will not chew a hole in Momˆs down comforter, filling the room with feathers.

I will not ride in the car with my paws around mom's neck.

I will not jump up on my human with my muddy paws after running through a mud puddle.

I will not eat off the ends of my human's shoelaces.

I will not run around the house with my human's stuffed animals.

I will not open the kitchen cabinets.

I will not chew the dog-training book.

I will not un-wrap all the Christmas presents.

I will not pull the tablecloth off the table to make the food more accessible on the floor.

Just because the remote control turns on the TV when I chew it does not qualify it as a 'squeaky toy'.

I shall not eat the crotch out of mom's dirty underwear.

I will not chew or shake full cans of beer

I will not attempt to climb in Mom's lap while she is driving.

I will not shift the car into reverse while Mom is driving 65 mph. ( this really happened to me!!!)

I will not eat the envelope with my human's cashed paycheck in it!

When Mom is putting on socks in the morning, I will not take this as a sign to start a game of tug-of-war.

I will not play tag around the kitchen table with the kid's teddy bear.

The sofa is not a face towel.

The rug is not a napkin.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

The balls on the Christmas tree are not dog balls.

All things within my reach are NOT my toys; anything not within my reach but I can jump and get is also NOT my toy.

I do not have a little Scrabble board in my tummy. Eating a letter when Mommy and Daddy play does not score me any points. Anywhere.

The coffee table is not my private throne, and I should stay off of it.

I will not pull all the stuffing out of my chewman within 10 minutes of getting it.

The Persian rug is not for playing tug-o-war.

75 pound Dobies should not even bother to try to hide under small coffee tables when they have been naughty.